Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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