Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm jealous of your bromance
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
high people should be assigned attendants
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
