I wish my penis had an off switch
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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