Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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