So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
