This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
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Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
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I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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