i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
