bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
