I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I can't put those talents on a resume
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
