your parents love me but you hate me
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
