Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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