also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
