a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
