he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
