i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
