I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
