You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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