Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
