In America we eat man semen.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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