I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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