I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
