I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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