i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?