On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...