Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair