Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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