The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
being pregnant is like rehab
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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