I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
