i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
