A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
