I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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