I just threw up on my dentist
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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