i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
