I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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