while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
