the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
