Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
