I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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