I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
