then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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