I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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