And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
