Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
