I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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