i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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