The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
