I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
