if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
