This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
