tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
