i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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