I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
