THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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