I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
