I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
