I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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