I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
