I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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