I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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