apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My vagina just clenched in fear
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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