filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I was not drunk enough for that final.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
