So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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