My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
