do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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